Sunday, February 12, 2017

Drew Magary is a little bitch

Does it hurt, Drew?

Does it feel like you’re chewing on broken glass every time you turn on the TV and see the Edelman Catch? Or White’s OT touchdown? The victorious Patriot players storming the field, again? Another champagne-soaked locker room celebration? Another glorious duck boat parade, attended by a MILLION delirious fans? Another 365 days of reminders that this is, by far, the greatest dynasty the NFL has ever seen? Does it seem like your torture will never end? Does it hurt so bad that it makes you want to cry?

Go ahead, buddy. Have a good sobbing session. Let it all out, because, for all of your cursing, insults, and tough talk, it’s clearer than ever that you’re nothing but a little BITCH who can’t cope.

It’s a game. A GAME, Drew, and you’re so incapable of controlling your impulses that you published, for the world to see, a 750-word temper tantrum, and not just a regular one, but a throw-yourself-on-the floor-of-Toys-R-US, flail-like-an-epileptic-for-17-minutes-straight tantrum, complete with Tourette-like cursing binges and third grade “everybody hates you” insults—and all because… wait for it…

…your team didn’t win the game.

And let’s be honest: The Falcons aren’t even your team. You would’ve rooted for Idi Amin and Pol Pot if they were playing against Belichick and Brady. Basically, you exploded into a major hissy fit because you didn’t get to see the Patriots suffer.

And we’re the ones with the problem. Got it.

This almost goes without saying, but we’re not “sore winners”. Nor are we “greedy”, “insufferable”, or “bandwagon fans”. Did these judgments arise from some sort of deep statistical analysis? Social media research? Several thousand fan interviews? Or did you just spit out the meanest thing you could think of at the height of your vein-popping rage? Yeah, thought so.

You want to do some research? Go to Boston the next time one of our teams wins a title. Look at the mix of ages and backgrounds. Drink in the camaraderie, the euphoria, the pure joy, that seems to get bigger, not smaller, with each successive trip to the mountaintop. We’re the exact opposite of sore winners. But you already knew that.

I’m not angered by your venomous diatribe. I pity you. You’re a sad, angry man. In all seriousness, Drew, you should try to accept the things you can’t change and make your peace with them. You can’t erase Brady and Belichick’s historic dominance over the league. You can’t take away the mountain of hardware this team has won. You’ll never detract from their monumental accomplishments, so why try to?

Nothing you do or say is going to change what’s happened in the NFL since 2001, or anything that’s going to happen in the future. Believe me when I tell you, you’ve also failed miserably in your quest to somehow piss on our (fifth) parade. We’re on cloud nine up here in New England, and things don’t look likely to change any time soon.
Bottom line: Whether you were rooting for the Patriots or against them, you saw something historic last week. You make your living writing about a sport that people enjoy and have a great passion for. Be proud of that!

But you’re still a little bitch.