Does it hurt, Drew?
Does it feel like you’re chewing on broken glass every time
you turn on the TV and see the Edelman Catch? Or White’s OT touchdown? The
victorious Patriot players storming the field, again? Another champagne-soaked
locker room celebration? Another glorious duck boat parade, attended by a
MILLION delirious fans? Another 365 days of reminders that this is, by far, the
greatest dynasty the NFL has ever seen? Does it seem like your torture will
never end? Does it hurt so bad that it makes you want to cry?
Go ahead, buddy. Have a good sobbing session. Let it all
out, because, for all of your cursing, insults, and tough talk, it’s clearer
than ever that you’re nothing but a little BITCH who can’t cope.
It’s a game. A GAME, Drew, and you’re so incapable of
controlling your impulses that you published, for the world to see, a 750-word
temper tantrum, and not just a regular one, but a throw-yourself-on-the
floor-of-Toys-R-US, flail-like-an-epileptic-for-17-minutes-straight tantrum,
complete with Tourette-like cursing binges and third grade “everybody hates
you” insults—and all because… wait for it…
…your team didn’t win the game.
And let’s be honest: The Falcons aren’t even your team. You
would’ve rooted for Idi Amin and Pol Pot if they were playing against Belichick
and Brady. Basically, you exploded into a major hissy fit because you didn’t
get to see the Patriots suffer.
And we’re the ones
with the problem. Got it.
This almost goes without saying, but we’re not “sore winners”.
Nor are we “greedy”, “insufferable”, or “bandwagon fans”. Did these judgments
arise from some sort of deep statistical analysis? Social media research?
Several thousand fan interviews? Or did you just spit out the meanest thing you
could think of at the height of your vein-popping rage? Yeah, thought so.
You want to do some research? Go to Boston the next time one
of our teams wins a title. Look at the mix of ages and backgrounds. Drink in
the camaraderie, the euphoria, the pure joy, that seems to get bigger, not
smaller, with each successive trip to the mountaintop. We’re the exact opposite
of sore winners. But you already knew that.
I’m not angered by your venomous diatribe. I pity you. You’re
a sad, angry man. In all seriousness, Drew, you should try to accept the things
you can’t change and make your peace with them. You can’t erase Brady and
Belichick’s historic dominance over the league. You can’t take away the
mountain of hardware this team has won. You’ll never detract from their
monumental accomplishments, so why try to?
Nothing you do or say is going to change what’s happened in
the NFL since 2001, or anything that’s going to happen in the future. Believe
me when I tell you, you’ve also failed miserably in your quest to somehow piss
on our (fifth) parade. We’re on cloud nine up here in New England, and things
don’t look likely to change any time soon.
Bottom line: Whether you were rooting for the Patriots or
against them, you saw something historic last week. You make your living
writing about a sport that people enjoy and have a great passion for. Be proud
of that!
But you’re still a little bitch.
